As I sat in my corner of space in the back of the room, I longed for the once-held luxury of a private office. I fished a kleenex out of my drawer and feigned an allergy attack in a feeble effort to justify the tears that were creeping down my cheek.

Why was I crying? Moments before I’d opened an e-mail from someone I’ve been at odds with of late. The e-mail was from me to me. A year ago today, I composed an e-mail via FutureMe.org and set it to arrive today. I’d forgotten I’d done that – as I well knew I would.

The e-mail took me off guard – hence the tears. It asked about things that I’d hoped would come to pass and people who were in my life 365 days ago. I cried because of what hasn’t changed, for what did change and for what seems to have slipped away.

Aw hell, I cried because that’s what I do best. What follows is the e-mail and my answers to my past self.

Dear FutureMe,

Today is Monday, March 3 2008. I’m sending this while at work – are you still there?

Nope. We staged a bloodless coup and, long story short, the organization closed up shop. Currently I’m a week and a half from exhausting unemployment benefits and a couple of months away from finishing trade school. Should be a full-fledged Certified Bookkeeper by summer. Yay. Me.

It’s been humbling. Outwardly, I’ve embraced the opportunity to pursue a new path but, inwardly, I resent like hell that I have to. That I didn’t prepare any better. That a so-called retirement is all but out of the question now.

Angry. You betcha. I struggle with it every day. So far, Optimism is still packing a pretty sound whollop on Pessimism and Cynicism, but I can’t speak to it’s continued success.

As of today, you’re on the upswing from a miserable few weeks and months – pain, depression, health issues. Today you started to change your eating habits and have sworn to start yoga. Why? Because the blood pressure and the cholesterol levels needed to come down. Did you succeed?

Well, no. I did not succeed. Rinse and repeat. I bought a treadmill a couple of months ago. Only this week have I come to terms with using it. Two months now, I’ve managed to actually cook dinner the majority of evenings. I have a few hits amongst the many misses – but I am eating healthier than I have in many, many years – if ever. So I may be on the verge of a permanent change, but do not hold your breath.

In the last two days, you put your poker blog in stasis. How’s it doing? Do you still play poker?

The poker blog is dead, save for the couple hundred bucks a month it still brings me. If not for that, I’d erase it from the internet.

I do not play cards right now because I do not have the bankroll – neither for live nor on-line. Until my financial situation changes, that’s how it’ll remain. I miss it. I love to play. I just don’t ever want to write about it again.

Are you still writing Yes…a Blog?

Well, duh, yes, on and off. More off than on but, obviously I’m still making a stab at it. Writing a blog brought me a whole lot of good in the past. I hope it can again.

You’ve been planning – in your head – upgrading the house and backyard – did you do it?

Yes – partially. I landscaped the back yard and put in a new deck. I look forward to a great spring out there. It took so long to get done over the summer, I only got a couple of weeks out there before the weather changed.

Inside the house – no. The remainder of the remodel money is what is supplementing my unemployment for the time being.

Are you still in touch with your internet friends?

Barely. This is what I fear has slipped away. I’m not an outwardly social person which makes it hard for me to maintain friendships.

My default is to assume that if someone isn’t maintaining contact with me it’s because they don’t want to and so I refrain from making contact because I don’t want to intrude or, worse yet, be rejected out-right.

Yup. That’s pathetic with a capital P, but that’s how I’m wired.

It saddens me – I met some outstanding people and I would love for them to remain a part of my life, but I fear my crazy neurosis has let it all slip away.

Did you start your portfolio?

Well, yeah. With great timing – at the start of The Great Depression II. A third of it’s value has already washed away in the tide of the economic tsunami.

Are you going to retire in two years?

I have to laugh, because tears are redundant.

Are you happy?

The jury is out. Ask me again in another year.

——-

(and Otis, if you’re reading this – yeah – what a coincidence that we both would’ve done a FutureMe e-mail on the exact same day… cue the spooky music… )

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