I’m a mess.
I cried in the doctor’s office today. Why? Because I was awake? I am, therefore I cry. I don’t know. I’ve been abnormally weepy of late. I had an appointment today in regard to my chronic neck muscle problems and I nearly walked out of there with anti-depressants. It didn’t help that my blood pressure was through the roof prompting a set up of daily visits for the next month to monitor it.
I squeaked by as “mildly depressed” on the Depression Scale so the happy drugs were nixed in favor of the mild muscle relaxant to help me sleep and, we hope, to bring down the blood pressure.
Ah, sleep. Not something I do a lot of these days. I’m in a feed-back loop of self-torture. Emotional pain feeds the body pain feeds the emotional pain feeds the… ad infinitum. I’ve played a billion games of solitaire on my iPhone on into the wee hours of the morning. I’ve Twittered haiku to pass the time. I’ve watched a marathon of Discovery Channel episodes. Ask me anything about the universe or the ultimate destruction of mankind – I’m a font of information.
I’m pretty certain of what is feeding all this physical and emotional angst. I’ve been dusting my own brain for about six months now in an effort to get it under control. Unfortunately, it’s not a single thing, but an “all of the above” on the multiple choice life quiz. Pick an issue – I can assure you it’s on the list.
In about ten minutes I will take one of the mild muscle relaxants. I don’t expect it to work immediately. I do expect to sleep a little better tonight, though, in light of the fact I didn’t get to sleep last night until 4:00 am. Part insomnia and part wanting to stretch my three day weekend to as long as possible.
Like I said. I’m a mess.
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